How I got here...

So, here I am... 34, single, mother to teenage boys.

The whole truth for everyone to know is this......

I think I was a pretty happy girl. My mom loved me, and still loves me to this day, and I love her. I don't know what I'd do without her. I also had fabulous grandparents that spoiled me rotten and thought the world of me. The feeling was mutual. I grew up near them, and was very close to them, and devestated by their deaths when I was an adult.

I've never known my biological father. I know his name, and that is all. I'm not sure if I want to find him.

When I was still a baby my mom married my step-father, who is a big source of problems that I have.

I also have a half brother who is younger than me.

Growing up, my father never physically abused me (other than spanking, but I don't really feel that counts...). Verbally and emotionally was a completely different story. Basically, anything bad that happened to me was my fault.

2 examples...

When I was 5 or 6 my older step-brother molested me. I can remember my mom and grandma asking me about this one day, but I simply felt very ashamed and had no interest in talking about it. I never saw a therapist or anything, and I can recall a couple of years later my dad being pretty pissed at me about the event.

Next... one day I was playing ping-pong with my half brother in my grandparents basement. I have no idea why (I'm sure I provoked it somehow), but he threw his paddle at me, and it hit my face... hard. I was crying (I was still a child), and again my dad got pissed about this.

My mom finally couldn't take any more of my dads moodiness and crap after 26 years. By then he had had at least one nervous breakdown and been on several anti-depressants (which he would take himself off of the minute he felt better).

Between the molestation and walking on egg shells my entire goddamn life to try to keep my dad from blowing his top, I have now been married and divorced twice, and just ended a third relationship that lasted about 7 1/2 years. It was actually closer to a marriage than either one of the marriages, but the guy was too scared to jump all the way in. So, here I am.

That's probably enough for this post. I'll try to post something about my relationship next.

Yis